05 October 2008

Genetic engineering projects

Before I forget, I'm making a list of all the genetic engineering projects I want to complete. I'm a bit busy lately, so these are on the back burner for the time being.

* Monkeys that naturally grow mullets.

* A skunk that sprays Febreeze out of its . . . you know. These would sell like hotcakes at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

* A blowfish that could be trained to blow up your air-mattress, car tires, or party balloons without popping them. (This one was Kristen's idea.)

* Peacocks that display custom-designed images when their tail-feathers fan out. For example: "Kristen, will you marry me?" Or maybe a portrait of your favorite Backstreet Boy.

* A huge praying mantis the size of a woolly mammoth. Just to humble the human race. Plus, it would put world events into a nice perspective. We'd be like, "Terrorists? Economic woes? Who cares? I've got this huge insect the size of a bus that stalks me in my back yard."

* Remote controlled cheetahs!

* A breed of gorilla that innately knows how to give a great massage.

* A spitting cobra that sprays Visine (instead of poison) into your eyes.

* Mosquitoes that eat only sugar and honey, and then instinctively fly into your mouth. Like flying candy.

* Miniature elephants. Less shedding than dogs, and if your shower head breaks, you're covered.

* A hybrid animal that has the strength of a bear, ears of a wolf, eyes of a hawk, and speed of a puma. Hold it . . . nevermind. That's Bravestarr.

Please share any ideas you have. I'll give you credit (and a small percentage of the sales) if I use it.


ammonc said...

Two thoughts. Sugar coated mosquitoes that fly into your mouth – bad idea. Second, how come I never heard of Bravestarr until now?

On a side note, the 80’s really were the hay day for pumas. It used to be a great tribute to have your speed compared to that of a puma. We even had puma shoes. Nowadays, you really don’t hear puma comparisons any more.

daniel said...

Why is the sweet mosquito idea so unpalatable to you?
Aside from the gustatory benefits, I really like the irony in this idea. I think it's time we start consuming them instead of them consuming us.

Bravestarr was a casualty of poor marketing. Apparently, Bravestarr figurines were made too early in order to get into the Christmas rush. Since nobody knew who Bravestarr was yet, nobody bought the toy. So Bravestarr was branded as a failure straight out of the gates. He limped along for a year or two before he and his anthropomorphic horse were retired and sent to the glue factory. Sad. Such an awesome theme song.

Great comments, Ammon. It suddenly strikes me that you're practically as quick-witted as a puma is fleet-footed.

Eric said...

Only you, Dan, could've come up with such a list as this. Anyways, if you could engineer something that gets rid of cats, I'd be game.

daniel said...

Eric, I've been working on weaponizing mice. Cat catches mouse. Mouse explodes. Cat is now defunct. I erase painful memories in the brains of the mouse's relatives.

Russell said...

Would you consider something more useful? Like modifying me so I don't have to go poop? Or pee? I get so annoyed at the inefficient digestive system I'm hampered with. I can barely go two days without having to find a restroom these days.

daniel said...

I've considered your needs and cooked up a few ideas, but most of them are more disgusting and inconvenient than what you currently have to deal with.
But before I spend any more time on this project, let's make sure I'm clear on something. Do you want to be free of bodily waste altogether, or do you simply want to be free from the inconvenience of having to dispose of that waste three times a week?

Eric said...

I like it.